Transforming Relationships Through Listening: A Personal Journey
Over the years—especially as a DJ—I’ve listened to thousands, maybe millions of tunes. I know the melodies, the energy, the drops. I can sing along without thinking.
But if I’m honest, I haven’t always consciously remembered the lyrics or decoded the messages they attempt to deliver.
It makes me wonder… is it a bloke thing? A personality thing? Or just how some of us are wired? Tuned into rhythm and feeling, but less practised at slowing down and really listening to the words?
How many of us blissfully sing along to songs with the WRONG lyrics altogether?
For a long time, I think I did the same thing in relationships. I listened, but didn’t always hear. Or I heard, but didn’t fully listen.
Is that my brain's wiring? I think I am a little on the spectrum; my mind wanders, and there’s often a million things going on at once. I’d catch the tone or mood, but maybe miss the message underneath.
Game Changers in Understanding
The books The Five Love Languages and Life Remixed by Mark Wilkinson gave me amazing insight. They offered new ways of making sense of conversations and behaviour. And Mark's new addition, Love Remixed, takes things even further. No word of a lie, these books have literally been game changers and are highly recommended reading.
After quitting alcohol, I suddenly had the headspace to pause, notice patterns, and actually hear what was being communicated. Having a partner who’s read the same books and is on the same metaphorical page has been genuinely transformative too.
We both recognise subconscious tests, and we respond. Sometimes we can read one another better than we can read ourselves.
A few months back, we were re-reading one of the chapters of Life Remixed and discussing love languages when we heard Carly Simon’s Nothing Stays the Same. It resonated so deeply.
In the song, there’s no big argument—just two people slowly realising they’re not in the same emotional place anymore. One feels the shift; the other doesn’t quite see it. It's really quite sad.
They both live busy lives, doing what they think they need to bring to the relationship. But instead of talking, they subconsciously test. They pull back. They wait to be noticed.
And the game periodically repeats. Sometimes the game—or relationship—ends.
Often, what’s said out loud isn’t what’s needed most. It can be tricky to work out what is needed if you are not fluent in, or at least aware and learning other love languages than those of your own.
Five Love Languages - Everyday Examples
Words of Affirmation: Saying “I appreciate you” or “You matter to me”—not advice, just reassurance.
Quality Time: Putting the phone down and being fully present, even for 20 uninterrupted minutes.
Acts of Service: Making a brew, fixing something small, or taking a task off their plate without being asked.
Physical Touch: A hug in the kitchen, holding hands, or a reassuring hand on the back that says “I’m here.”
Giving / Receiving Gifts: A thoughtful note, a song sent with “this made me think of you”—it’s the meaning, not the price.
When We Test Instead of Talking
What the song captures so well is what happens before the conversation that never comes. Instead of saying, “I feel a bit disconnected from you,” we might:
Pull back slightly.
Go quieter.
Withhold affection.
Do more, hoping it’s noticed, or do less, hoping it’s questioned.
Not deliberately. Not to manipulate.
We test. We see if the other person notices. We see if they ask. We see if they respond.
And when they don’t—because they don’t know a test is happening—it can feel deeply personal, even though nothing has been said.
When the test goes unnoticed, or you fail it, distance quietly grows—just like in the song.
Take a listen here:
Reflection on Listening and Growth
Maybe the invitation here is simple: look at your own life and current or past relationships.
Where might you be hearing the tune but missing the lyrics? Where might someone be saying one thing but needing another and seeing if you know how?
Nothing stays the same. But when we slow down and really listen, change doesn’t have to mean loss. It can mean growth. Sometimes, it just means learning a new verse.
The Power of Communication
Effective communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. It’s not just about talking; it’s about truly connecting.
When we communicate openly, we create a safe space for vulnerability. We allow ourselves to be seen and heard. This is where real transformation happens.
Listening: A Skill Worth Cultivating
Listening is an art. It requires practice and patience. It’s about being present in the moment and giving your full attention to the other person.
Try to put away distractions. Make eye contact. Nod and respond to show you’re engaged. This simple act can strengthen bonds and deepen understanding.
Embracing Change Together
Change is inevitable. It’s a part of life. But how we navigate that change can define our relationships.
Embrace it together. Share your fears and hopes. Celebrate the small victories. When you face challenges as a team, you grow stronger.
Conclusion: The Journey of Transformation
In the end, transformation is a journey. It’s about evolving, learning, and growing together.
So, let’s commit to listening more deeply. Let’s strive to understand one another better.
Communicate.
Listen.
Together, we can create a harmonious relationship that resonates with love and understanding.
If This Resonated, Let's Talk
Sometimes you read something and it just... lands. That's usually your subconscious flagging something worth looking at.
I offer a free 15-minute Discovery Call - a no-obligation conversation about what's going on for you and whether Belief Coding® might be the right fit. No hard sell. No script. Just an honest chat.
If we align, we'll take it from there.
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